Mad Mack: Five Games That Need Booth Babes

Like it or not, sex sells – though not every game takes full advantage of this timeless, effective marketing tool. Disgruntled gamer Dave ‘Mack’ McConkey suggests five high-profile releases that could use the ‘booth babe’ factor, and imagines what form this shameless activity could take…

The last time I graced the pages of FMV, I had a good moan about what booth babes really say about gamers, and how we are perceived by the wider, non-gaming public. But then that got me thinking about the wider sexualisation of gaming, as a means of exploiting players into handing over hard cash. When you look at a game like Lollipop Chainsaw it is fairly obvious that they are using sex as a way of raising interest. While this is the lowest common denominator, and has no bearing over whether or not the game will be good (top tip – if it is using sex as its main-selling point, chances are it’s not), I don’t actually have a problem with it, as it is being very clear about where it is coming from.

Similarly, I would not say that a game like Mass Effect used sex to sell, despite having some sexual content. And nor did Grand Theft Auto; even though there were some fairly unsubtle references to sex (we all know the real attraction was beating the piss out of a hooker and stealing your money back).

You know who loves this picture? Fucking me that’s who.

But there are lots of games out there that do use sex as a way of getting gamers interested. Hell, I have been at press events where there have been tons of attractive women just dying to talk to me about the game on show. Of course, that is just because I am me and they are only human:

Ladies.

There are so many games out there that are using booth babes and other sexual techniques to sell their wares, but what about the ones that aren’t? Are they going to get left behind, wallowing in a sea of enhanced titties and shiny, greased up skin? Well, fear not.  I am on the case. If there is one thing that being on the internet has taught me, it’s that you can link titties to pretty much anything.

So without further ado, I present five games that don’t have booth babes, but probably need them…

 

Twisted Metal

Wow, this one. This one has so much to play for. You could go for your sexy goth chick or something along those lines, but I think that there are two ways this can go to make it really stand out from the crowd. The first option would be a sexy clown. A sexy clown with its head on fire and armed with a giant fuck-off bread knife. This would be both sexy and all sorts of pants-shittingly terrifying, and would cause all sorts of confusing feelings in the people staring. Should they lust? Should they run? The booth babes will be like the mythological Sirens, or those UV light fly zappers, both attractive and terrifying.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Of course, this is overlooking one big aspect of Twisted Metal – the cars. If you can make a costume for a girl to wear that is in the shape of a car but is sexy at the same time, then you are wasting your time in cosplay and should be working in Hollywood.

I suppose you could just slap a pair of titties on this and call it a day...

 

Super Meat Boy

This fiendishly hard puzzle-platformer was an indie hit back in November 2010, but I felt that it never really got the public attention it deserved. I want to fix that, and I think there is someone else who wants to fix it as well. In some ways this game is slightly out of place on this list, as it actually already has a babe supporting it. All we really need to do is get her in a booth. And make sure she is actually a she, and not a he. Because damn.

I just want to double check is all.

 

Heavy Rain

Wikipedia describes Heavy Rain as ‘an interactive drama psychological thriller’, and although this description supports the idea that allowing anyone to edit posts might not be the best idea, having not played the game I am going to take it as read. From what I do know about it, Heavy Rain is a gritty film noir where you are on the hunt for a serial killer or something before he kills your dog. All fairly good fun, adult-orientated gameplay, with not one plasma rifle or shape-shifting mutant in sight, which I suppose makes it actually fairly unique by the standards of today. Anyway, it is apparently great.

Fuck off spaceman

Oh, and there is a scene where you have to cut your own finger off. You get the opportunity to prepare for the self-mutilation by gathering pain killers and a variety of instruments to make the severing as quick as possible, but at the end of the scene, you just gotta lop that fucker off.

So where do the booth babes come in? Well, you could go for the obvious approach and have girls dressed as one of the female characters when she is attacked, while wearing the exact same clothes as Ripley in the end of Alien, but where is the fun in that? No, I say we get some models, give them a bottle of aspirin and a rusty saw and just let them go to fucking town. Yes!

Now LICK IT!

 

Pokémon

I am sure that someone has done a sexy Team Rocket cosplay outfit, and if not then I know for a fact that those wonderful folks over at Deviant Art have some interesting takes on the various character interactions throughout the Pokemon series. And I am sure that someone has done a ‘sexy Pikachu’ or some other such iconic monster from the franchise. But why stop there? There are literally hundreds of different monsters you can try out. I think Nintendo need to get behind this. I for one would love to see a sexy costume based on Magneton or Spoink! Good luck!

At some point did the creators of Pokémon just say ‘fuck it’ and start making monsters out of things they had lying on their desk? But their desk is in a mechanic's workshop?

 

Dead Space

While I appreciate that it would be fairly impossible to make an accurate but sexy costume representing the main protagonist Isaac, as one of the pre-requisites of suits of armour is that they don’t leave genitals exposed. In fact most suits of armour are probably designed from the genitals outward.

Case in point

But what about the monsters? They are ripe for sexification. For a start they are already naked, so to make your booth babes more acceptable you have to put more clothes on them, not less. Secondly, they come in all shapes and sizes to suit your selection of models and (as a bonus) to support the use of real sized women in modelling in order to address body image issues among vulnerable teens. Double win! Get your scantily clad girls and stick some arms with machetes on the end to their shoulders and cover them in fake blood, and replace their teeth with razor sharp needles and you are golden. Give the arms an animatronic downward striking motion and you can’t fail to impress/eviscerate.

Yeah that’s right baby. You know what the boys like.

 

Dave McConkey is off for an urgent psych evaluation. Mad Mack continues next week…

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